Hi.

As any of my readers can see, I don't update this anymore. I've switched full time to livejournal. Yes, yes, I know all the various arguments I've made over the years. But it's done. Here is the link. I hope all you anonymous people I don't know will follow my lj as well. I will also be starting a blog about the Canadian election soon, mostly political issues, but it'll be fun. Watch my livejournal for the link, coming soon.


Namaste.

"by now, you should've somehow realized what you're not to do."

I feel lonely right now. No one's around, and it kinda bugs me. Well, Adam is in the apartment, but no one's on MSN.

God I hate hockey. I don't know why, precisely. I think it just happens that I've known very few hockey fans I've liked. A choice few at university, but none in high school, and that still rings around. Every hockey fan I knew in high school was an utter asshole. I think that's why I took a good amount of joy out of the strike last year. The only people it penalized were, generally, people I didn't like. Now, I know, some of you do, don't mistake that, I like you. Just not a lot of your compatriots.

Today has been a rough day. I've been beating back the standard crap since last night. I skipped running this morning because I was just emotionally wiped. Shouldn't have, because it probably would have helped me. But my bed was far too tempting. Seriously, I laid out my running clothes, took one look at the bed and fell back onto it. Kicked the clothes off, went back to sleep. Had too much, though. I felt so groggy getting up at like 10:50. I can't wait for the weekend.

It felt like a war was going on in me today. Part of me recognized these feelings as stupid, useless and generally harmful, and tried to beat them back. But it's a struggle. These feelings are simple, and easy. It's simple and fun to wallow in depression. It gives you an excuse to slouch your shoulders, to not exercise, to not eat healthy. You're depressed, you don't have to do all those things. It's just easier, and tempting. So fighting it off is hard. Especially when, like me, you're very used to it. But I am. I've had a lot of help, mostly from people who didn't even know they were helping.

The winds work in funny ways.

I do feel good though. I am happy with where I am, and what I'm doing to improve myself. But I'm doing it for me this time. So that I can be better. Stronger. In so many ways.

Oh, and Wonderwall is SO down pat. The intro, anyway, and I can do the rest of it at semi decent speed. So it's good. And it will be better. I swore this year would be different, and I intend to live up to that swear. How? Eh. I'm still working that part out.

namaste.

"in a world of captains, baby, ship of fools..."

Meeting someone as nerdy as you is very fun.

That's my thought of the morning. I ran. I did pushups and situps. And now I need to get into the shower fast so Devin has time to shower too. This should be interesting.

namaste.

"i aim to misbehave."

It's been a good few days.

Saturday night I ended up at Michelle's. I couldn't find anyone to go to Candace's thing with, so, unfortunately, I couldn't go. But Mich and I had a good time sitting around, talking and getting trashed. Stayed there for a long time. Walked home alone sometime after midnight. Prolly should've cabbed it, or at least brought a trench for psychological protection. Honestly, who's gonna rob a semi-muscular guy strutting around in a long black trenchcoat late at night looking like he owns the world? Cause I do in the trench. Either way, I was safe. I was on Stone for most of it, and I mean, come one, it's a huge, well lit street. Nothing really to worry about. But still. I'm paranoid.

Got some French done on Sunday, and had Safewalk dispatch, which was fun, as always. Had class today, but did a solid run and workout. Right after my weight lifting I can see some veins start to pop a bit. Which is a good sign. I don't want to be like some uber veiny guy, but a couple couldn't hurt, and if they're coming at all that's good, even if it is just for a bit now. I need to do more toning, though, I think. I've ended up skipping my pushups the last few times, and I need to remedy that. Tomorrow.

I've been thinking about giving up on French. Not like this course. It's not too late to drop it, but I'm none too keen on picking up another course in the summer if I can avoid it. And I think I will pull through with a good mark. It's just like...I hate it. I can't imagine this is the best way for me to learn a language. Even if it is, if I don't need it, I don't want it. I had heard that a second language was basically needed for Master's and PhD, but the more I look the more I wonder where I got that from. I e-mailed a poli sci person, so hopefully they can tell me.

And I need to see Serenity again. Christine, Martina, up for a movie on the weekend? Heh. I'm gonna try and drag some Guelph people after Thanksgiving again. I hope Stone Road gets it soon. If ever. I just need to see it again. I'm so tied to this movie now. I read every review I come across (thankfully all quite glowing; none saying it's gonna win Best Picture, but everything saying it's basically pretty good, if not fantastic).

I feel good these days. I meditated today, and I think it really helps me to control the negative thoughts. A lot were creeping in today, but I beat them back. Or rather, I let them come out, scrutinized them as the stupidity they were and let them pass. I feel in control. And that's a good feeling.

Time for more French homework. Or Fable. We'll see.

namaste.

"dream the dream of your attrition..."

It's a good day.

It's been a very good day, anyway. And night. Last night I was out with Devin & Co. Pictures at my Flickr site. I actually bought a paid membership today. I felt maybe a little silly afterwards, but it has enough features, and I do like putting pics up. So I don't mind it. Wasn't too expensive either. Anyway, the night was fun. News Cafe first, which was awesome. Get a Sweet Tart if you ever go there. Expensive, but GOOD. Then Molly's, which is always fun.

It hasn't really been a very productive day. Slept in very late. But I needed it. Got up, went to TD to straighten out some bank stuff. Then to the mall. Got some pics developed for the much-maligned wall. Ended up buying Fable. It's always seemed cool, and I wanted a new game, and it was cheap. The fun part was, when I got to the cash register, the sticker was wrong, it was actually even CHEAPER. Honestly, is there a more universal sign that this was a good random buy? I didn't think so.

I also bought Yakisoba. Which was good. I LOVE Japanese food. Less greasy tasting than Chinese food, but still very yummy. I should get like a Japanese cookbook or something. My birthday is coming up folks...

...in like 5 months...

Oh, and I've seen two movies in the last 24 hours. Serenity and Hitchhiker's Guide. Serenity was...beyond words. It's like...I don't know if other people get this feeling, but you know when something really emotionally wrenching happens to you, and it sticks in your mind so much that every time you think about it again it kinda rocks you a bit again? For me that usually is something negative to do with girls. At least, that's how that feeling normally comes about. But now I've got it for Serenity. It was so amazing. I want to go see it again. Anyone interested at all in a movie that has rocked my very soul to its utter core should talk to me. I will go see it with you again. Any day, any time, whatever.

Oh, and HHG was good too. Actually, really good. I'm in love with the actress who played Trillian. So beautiful. And I, clearly, identify with Arthur. Though less than I used to.

It's looking like today won't be very productive. But that's okay. Emma's coming over, and we're prolly gonna go to the mall. Again. I do love this mall. I won't buy anything though.

It's a good day. The kind I really needed. I feel much better about who I am, where I am, and I'm not letting certain thoughts in. Well, rather, I'm letting them just run off.

It's good.

Namaste.

"you can't take the sky from me..."

Blogging from class now. Well, writing it from class. No internet access in Thornborough. Sadness.

Today started off badly. I can't really say why. I ran actually my best time yet on this route, 43:43. Normally I haven't been able to break 45. So that was good. And did my weights. Also good. I need to work on focusing on them though, not taking little breaks too much in between. Then things don't hurt as much. And, clearly, if they don't hurt as much, I'm not doing as well.

Either way, I went to class feeling like crap. The usual crap. I won't even dignify it by putting it up here again. Right now.

Had class. Saw Mich while I was "going to the bathroom" (aka getting a muffin from Mac's and going to the bathroom). Which was fun, and very advantageous. I had kinda been saying in my head "I'm depressed. I wish a friend of mine was right around this corner." And then she was. But with Mich, that doesn't REALLY surprise me. Though I hope I didn't telepathically make her skip class.

Ha, I feel like I'm racing in typing with the girl next to me. I see her in a lot of my poli sci classes. She has the same laptop as me. Or very close, at least. She types like mad, and actually sold her notes in...IR I think. Yes. Sold her notes for money. I gave my notes away today. Or, I agreed to. The girl said her palmpilot broke and that she was sick another day. I figure if you have the gall to put on an act and lie to my face and approach someone you don't know at all, maybe you deserve the notes. Besides, if you are lying, karma's a bitch.

Bwahah. I'm such a bad Buddhist.

I have been meditating lately, though. Not every day. But many days. And it's been good. It keeps me focused. Sharpens my mind.

I do feel better now, though. Had lunch with Devin, which was good. I was feeling kinda a bit like I didn't have any friends. Just basically that I didn't like where my life was, or where it was going. But, like most depressions I've felt, it's very tempting to wallow in it, and there is the choice of whether to do that or not. I chose not. For now.

After all, Serenity's happening tonight. I can't be in a bad mood for that.

I actually don't have it THAT built up in my mind. In my mind, yes, I think it's gonna be good. But I guess I've been so disappointed by sci fi movies lately that if it's even as half decent as a good episode, I'll be alright. I think even just having it all on the big screen. And I'm going. Even on my own, I'll go. There'll be other Browncoats there. I've never described myself as a Browncoat before, but I guess I am.

Devin and Brittney are supposed to come, and they're supposed to go straight downtown afterwards. I may join them. I think I will, if they invite me. Which I will be surprised if I'm not – they're both very good at including people. And I do like most of their friends.

I feel good. I need to listen to some more music. But other than that I'm good. It's funny, Mr. Brightside has been kinda my song throughout the day, because it can be used as both kinda a depressive, dammit for what's going on in my life song and a fuck it, I'm gonna change this song.

I'm gonna leave this for now. It may not end up being posted til after Serenity. But that's okay too. It's gonna be a good night. No matter what.

namaste.